i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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