Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Randomize
