I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
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