Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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