I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
