Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
