and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
