meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
