Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I supernannyed him into submission
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
