My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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