Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Randomize
