She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
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