I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
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