My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Randomize
