Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Randomize
