so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Randomize