Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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