dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
