Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
