when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
Randomize
