Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
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