recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
