So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Randomize
