can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Randomize
