sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
