My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Randomize