So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
