how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
His nipple licking is glorious
Randomize
