I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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