i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Randomize
