Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
