I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
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