Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Randomize
