I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
