Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
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