i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
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