I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
