i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
