Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
