I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
