I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
