she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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