I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
yeah, but that could mean anything in Denmark.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Randomize
