i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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