OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
