I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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