It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
