Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
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