My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Randomize
