I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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