Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
Send help, water and tortillas.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Shame - the story of my life.
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