dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
