He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
