you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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