Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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