i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Im part way to drunk.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize