My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
