This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
