"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I am one with the molecules
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
