I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
